On Behavior Management (aka Subtle Manipulation)

The number of people I know who are parents continues to grow and grow. I do not have my own kids, but I have worked with kids for about 19 year at this point... damn, that makes me sound so old. Anyway, all parents get stressed out from time to time, but some seem to be stressed out more of the time than others. I just thought I would share a few helpful tips I have learned over the years dealing with kids from about age 2 and up, in the hopes that they might help some parents to lead less-stressed lives (at least in regards to their kids' learned behaviours). These are not uniquely my ideas; they are from other people I know who have also had decades of experience with kids, and also I have used them and I find they work. 

1. The ratio of positive interactions you have with your kids to negative interactions should be about 5:1. This is an unofficial ratio, but the point is that there should definitely be more positive than negative. One should not have to constantly say "NO" or "STOP". Yes, sometimes you need to react quickly if they are doing something dangerous. But, if what they are doing is simply something you don't want them to do and isn't urgently going to cause harm or damage, it is best to take a second and phrase what you say to them positively. For example, instead of saying, "No! You can't play with Grandma's breakable figurine!", you can say, "Whoa, I bet Grandma would be upset if that broke by accident. Maybe we should find something else to play with". Or, instead of, "Put that stick down! You'll poke your eye out!", you can say, "Hey, can you help me put that stick over there in the woods where it belongs? Thanks for being a really awesome helper!". It sounds kind of corny, but phrasing things more positively (and with as little blame as possible) builds the kid's self-esteem instead of making them feel like they're always doing something that makes you mad. Over time all the no's can add up; or, all the positives can. 

2. Set realistic consequences and follow through with them, as calmly as you can. If the kid is doing something I don't want them to do, I usually say something like, "If you do [specific action] again, then [specific consequence]. For example, if I see you throw the ball inside again, I'm going to take it away and not give it back until tomorrow. And then if they do it, you do what you say you're going to do. Sounds simple enough, but a lot of people never set a consequence, or they set one they don't really want to follow through with. One time I saw a mom tell her daughter to stop playing in the bushes in this shopping center or she going to cancel Christmas and the girl wasn't going to get any gifts. This seemed like an overly harsh punishment that wasn't going to happen. The girl kept playing in the bushes. If you don't follow through with what you say you're going to do, kids learn very quickly that they can keep pushing the limits with you. If they learn you do what you say you're going to do, they're less likely to draw behaviors out and keep pushing. Also, if they find you are not getting very upset, this can cut down on them doing negative things to get your attention. 

3. Choice 1 or choice 2. If I want a kid to do something, I like giving them two choices that are both what I want them to do. That means I'm likely to win either way. For example, "Do you want to clean that up now or in five minutes?". Nine times out of ten they say five minutes, but then when you tell them it's been five minutes they'll actually do it because they feel like they've had some say in the matter and agreed to it. The other popular clean-up one is, "Do you want my help to clean that up, or can you do it yourself?". Either way, it gets done. One of my favorite examples of this was a friend who recently asked her daughter if she wanted to say hi to me and Mike, and the 2-year-old daughter decided she wanted to be difficult and not do it. When we suggested our friend ask, within earshot of the daughter even and almost jokingly, "Do you want to say 'Hi' or Hello'?", our friend asked her and little girl smiled and said "Hi". It doesn't seem like it would work, but it really does most of the time. 

4. Your kids are probably not too young to learn good manners, and to take care of some of their own needs. 2-years-old is not too young to teach a kid how to clear their plate from the dinner table, or learn how to say "please" and "thank you" for everything. Kids with good manners tend to have more positive social interactions with other kids and adults throughout the day (this is in my opinion; not scientifically proven), which links back to #1. 

I'd be interested to hear if anyone out there tries any of these strategies (that hadn't before) and notices a difference in behavior. Again, I'm in no way taking credit for these ideas; just giving some suggestions to people out there based on what has been suggested and what has worked for me over the years. That being said, every kid and every situation is different, so no one thing will work 100% of the time.