The 1:5 Ratio

A simple search on Amazon shows that there are over 100,000 titles available about parenting. There are over 200,000 about teaching. There are so many different philosophies behind why to do this or that when raising and educating kids. Everyone has their own idea based on how they were raised, taking what resonated with them or sometimes trying to do the polar opposite.

What we do with Penelope is a combination of things. I use some strategies I've learned working in the classroom and other kids' programs, some we've read about, and some are us just being creative and seeing what works. I'm not poring over parenting books and research most of the time, I just might read an article here or there. At the end of the day, like in teaching, it's trial and error to find what works best for your kid in your family environment. 

Two of the most important values I have for Penelope's growth and development are effective communication, and the desire for her to become "capable" (which others might call developing independence or self-efficacy):

Effective Communication
I see this as the most important thing a parent/caretaker can help a child develop. Helping a child develop his or her vocabulary and social skills sets them up to be successful in almost every other conceivable way. Even if a child is not old enough or has not developed verbal communication skills yet, talking and reading to them throughout the day will help them get there. The more the child is able to communicate their needs to those around them, the less frustrated they will be, and the more confident they will become in their abilities. This also makes the parent/carer's job easier and less stressful. Win-win.

Capable
I want Penelope be and feel capable. To be capable, we work on physical skills regularly, like swimming, climbing, balancing, fine-motor etc. Over months and years, she will learn her own strengths and abilities, and improve them. From these improvements in abilities and trying different activities, she will develop the sense that, "I can do it", hopefully more than, "I can't". We try to emphasize a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset, with language and example. In the long run, we also have the goal of teaching household chores, money management, and other life skills. 

Part of both of these values is positive phrasing. In order to communicate with a child and to help them develop healthy self-esteem, I make an effort to phrase things as positively as possible for Penelope. That might seem obvious or silly to some, to concentrate on saying, "Please walk" as opposed to "Stop running!", or "Food stays on your plate" instead of "No throwing food!". But, if you add up the number of times a week you say "no" or "stop" or "don't" to a toddler or preschooler, it could literally add up to hundreds. That's a lot of negativity for one person to hear. If I, as an adult at work, heard criticism that often, I would think that everyone hates me and I was close to being fired. Building up the ratio of positive things you say to a kid, vs the number of negative things, could make a huge difference in their development of how they see and think of themselves as a "good" or "bad" kid over time, and how they think other people feel about them. I've heard the 1:5 rule - for every negative thing you say to a kid, try to say five positive. I don't know if it's based on any research, but it's probably a good target to shoot for. 

Anyway, sorry to bore you with the least exciting post ever. But, if you have a kid or work with them, maybe I've given you something bigger picture to think about. Whether you agree with me or not, I'd be interested to hear in the comments what other values (I'm not talking about religious values, just over-arching principles) parents choose to focus on when making decisions about how to parent.